Why?
Why should I be what you claim is right?
I'm not that.
I'm not.
I can't be, I've tried for so many years.
It's eaten me.
It's eaten me.
It ruined me for too long.
I can't compete in this race for "perfection".
I've had enough.
Please understand Ana,
It's time for me to leave.
But I know I won't.
This kind of realisation will only draw me back,
Back to the same shit.
The same shit as before.
My whole life secretly longing.
Longing for it.
This love that can't be found.
Love for skinny.
Love me, love me skinny.
Please. Love me.
Forgotten Lullaby
Looking through my window pane,
The sun today is not ashamed.
No clouds in sight, the mists have ceased,
The rain and snow cannot compete.
But in my room the darkness swirls,
Hiding in my winter snug,
For I'm not ready to let go
Of my love who holds me close.
O sun! You steal him from my arms!
To you, he walks away.
Me and the Needle
I know that home shouldn't make you feel like this.
Home should be where you feel safe.
But when I'm sat here alone between the same yellow walls
And the ghosts of my memories surround my new thoughts,
They sit on the bed, on the toilet and the stairs.
And it's just me and the needle,
Unstitching my seams,
The ones you've been working so hard to repair.
But me and the needle
Don't like not to share
And the red ribbons of truth want to break free again.
I can see through the sadness,
I can hear the sobs,
As I walk and I weave through my younger selves.
They never look up except to ask me for help
And the expression on each face is the same as the last.
And it's them and the needle,
Unstitching the seams,
And they hope as they open that something will change.
And it's me with the needle
I hold in my hand
And the red ribbon flows pointing to a better land.
But I don't want to trust you
And I don't want to make
Any more crying memories to haunt me again.
I want to put down the needle
And buy me a friend
To stitch me back up
And love me 'til the end.
Tiny Dancer
Last night,
The character I was playing while I was trying to sleep
Was long, and short, and elegant.
Her long, plain, brown fringe covered her down-looking eyes.
She was tiny.
She had to wear baggy clothes so as not to alarm.
Her awkward look only made her more graceful.
She had big ears and soft red lips
Perfectly set in her stone cold face
Chiselled with intensity.
Her hands were like mittens,
So small, you couldn't see the definition of fingers even if you squinted.
And on her feet were ballet shoes,
So small, they moved as if rolling along.
She lay on her side last night,
Facing the curtain.
She brought her legs up to my chest.
Tiny.
Like a box I was, I could finally package myself away.
Being naked there,
I wriggled my tiny toes and watched the tiny toe nails glint.
I wrapped my rope arms around my legs,
Nuzzled my nose into my knees
And through a gap in my fringe twinkled my black eye in his direction.
A twinkle full of secrets that nobody knows she thought
As he returned a pity-full glance.
Once again she nuzzled into her knees.
Her rope arms became stiff.
That's all for tonight tiny dancer,
Sweet dreams.
The Park
How many times have I sat on this bench?
And breathed in this air?
And looked at that tree?
And with how many people have I sat on this bench?
Smiling their smiles
And looking at me.
How many times have I seen your face?
Walking towards this old bench,
This old me.
And yet it never gets old.
It never gets old.
And neither does your face.
How many children have passed through here?
How many mongrels have fought?
How much laughter has been heard here?
How many images sought?
For this is where I come alive.
This is where I die.
This is where I'm torn apart.
Where I am me.
As simple as that.
Little Lost Girl
Little lost girl wants to hug the one person she ever truly loved.
Little lost girl wants to hold the one person she ever hurt.
Little lost girl wants to shrink away because that makes her better.
But she's not strong enough yet.
Little lost girl wants to recapture those months into an hourglass
Where she sits and she watches, crying, with a broken smile.
The lovers embrace on the grass watching the loneliest souls in the world drift past with their heads trapped inside black clouds of memories.
The lovers sit.
The lovers watch nothing but each other.
The lovers recoil their heads laughing with pride.
Little lost girl cries.
Little lost girl remembers.
Little lost girl feels sick again.
Little lost girl, how dare you pollute yourself with food again!
Who do you think you are?
Don't you want to be free?
Don't you want to feel better?
You could swim in your memories forever.
Little lost girl thinks.
A fish ruins the surface of an eternally still lake.
Little lost girl has nothing left.
She broke the hour glass and now just looks in the mirror.
No lovers there.
No love for little lost girl.
Little lost girl watches, crying, with a broken smile,
Touching her bones.
"I'm shrinking." she says.
"It's ok, I'm shrinking."
Behind the Eyes
Don't look at me,
Don't look at my face.
It's not who I am.
It's not how I feel.
I'm embarrassed to show you the world inside
Where I cry and I hope that you can't see past my eyes.
I sit here in silence
Ignoring my life.
I replace pain by emptying bottles and watching skin break.
I put on my shell
And cover my face.
I hide my ugly body
In my ugly embrace.
I hate the tears,
I want to win,
But I hate the skin,
The skin I'm in.
I spend my whole life
Hiding the pain
But the ugliness shows,
It seeps through my veins.
And the clothes I buy
Don't cover the vibes,
That horrible feeling
Trying to look in my eyes.
I'll shut all the doors
And curl up like a ball.
Then no one will know that I'm hiding at all.
Then when I'm onstage, someone else, flying high,
I'll have hidden completely
And no one will ask why.
He'll say "Hey, look at Jo!"
She's looking great.
You never would guess that she really does hate
Looking in the mirror
And seeing that smile
And wishing that someone would see her for a while.
One Day
One day I will fall in love with you.
But the world isn't ready for us
And I'm not ready for the world
To know how I feel.
One day we will spend every night
Lost in love's embrace
And when the sun comes up
I'll still be there.
One day I will look at the moon
And I will know how to be honest with myself.
And we will love myself and you
As much as we deserve to be.
But we're going to have to wait
Because we've still got some growing up to do
Before I can look straight at you
And tell you who you are.
Everybody's Fool
My love is a rock that cannot be broken
But kicked and bruised from the fists of life.
Why don't I work?
Why do I struggle?
I never seem to find an end to this inner strife.
Why do I feel like I'm sinking into Iambic Pentameter?
With all the social combustions of the world bringing me down.
Day by day I am endlessly searching
For something I'm beginning to feel cannot be found.
The river is strong and pushes the boundries.
The rock fights hard but always drowns.
Where are my real friends when I need them?
I'm always so tainted by laughing clowns.
See You Later?
From the very first moment that our lives intertwined
I knew from the start, the memories I would cherish.
I can't forget those unnoticed hellos.
Goodbyes that meant nothing more than 'see you tomorrow'.
Every time I have to walk away,
Though in my heart you'll always stay,
It's just so hard to say goodbye,
'See you later' - just a lie.
I've taken for granted the love that you've shown.
Makes me realise I'm not fully grown.
I just can't bear to say goodbye
When 'see you later' is just a lie.
Don't just walk away from me.
Don't just move on.
Remember me.
Cherish the memories.
Never say goodbye.
Your Scars
Is it so wrong to want to hurt yourself?
Maybe to prove you still care.
Like pinching yourself awake from a dream
To check you're still alive.
"The rain falls from black smothered clouds.
Cloudy roads ahead with no sunshine worth living".
I can't see much further.
I can't take much more.
The crying won't stop.
The pain won't end.
You act like you care but what can you do?
You can't fix it always,
Not with a smile.
"Put on your make-up and get out on stage.
Forget yourself.
You'll only make it worse".
It's hard to breathe through these clouds.
Stalking shadows are pushing me.
What happened to me?
Who's going to be there when I take that final step?
The Only One
Words will never prevail,
Lips never meet.
Thoughts of you must drift away
On a boat that's out of reach.
I don't know, I just can't hold it in any longer.
I can't forget about it.
It never leaves,
It's always there.
It'll always be there like a friendly ghost,
Showing me pain
But proving my love,
Haunting me endlessly and longing for just once that he would tell me he loves me.
And we could just be together.
Ignoring everything and anything that matters.
With no one else to interrupt or steal.
And the only one he'd ever love would be me.
And the only one he'd ever kiss would be me.
And the only one who would ever love him like this would be me.
But the only one who cries is me.
And so I'm all alone.
The name means nothing to me for I shall never speak it in vows.
And my heart will keep on longing and loving until the day I die.
And I shall never be me on the outside,
For my insides will always be him.
Battleground
Choking on the air filled with aggravation,
I feel my throat block as I surrender myself.
Should I give myself up to make you happy?
Or is your happiness not worth my pain?
Your ancient face, I see too often
Has a new persona.
A fake one.
A clown's mask.
I pity you for your shallow mind.
What if my body wakes up and stands up for it's rights?
But it won't.
I'll just sink
Back into your trap
As you fool me with love-less lies.
According to some, I have no feelings.
They don't see me as I am.
You have used this weapon against me
And it cut through my heart like a sword on fire.
If my head gets so big that I float to the sky
I would rather be there than be near you,
For inside I shall know, as my Wendy-friend sees
I have made the right decision.
I see my body,
A battleground.
Gunshots deafening my ears
And daggers so deep you can hear the earth weep
In my back to save my eyes?
And the innocent screams of the children,
The child-within long gone.
And the wise old conscience will know,
Keep fighting,
You've made the right decision.
Crumbling Destruction
Feeling the pain,
Tying the chain over my eyes and mouth.
All of the thoughts fly away,
Get rid of opinions.
I am not worthy of living.
Drop down dead.
Is that the way?
'Cos you chop at me endlessly like a tree coming down.
Stop my head
From thinking and feeling.
Just get your way and be happy.
Don't let me live.
Watching your eyes,
Seeing the lies smother me all over again.
Just abuse me again.
Mentally rape me.
Cause more of the shit you endorse.
Drop down dead.
Is that the way?
'Cos you chop at me endlessly like a tree coming down.
Stop my head
From thinking and feeling.
Just get your way and be happy.
Don't let me live.
Blood stained walls.
Black running make-up.
Cuts and bruised inside.
Let them be real,
I cannot hide,
This is not me, I have lied.
Fuck off with your "problems",
Your victim has crumbled.
Certain substances help me see.
Wasted and blurry
I get rid of my worries
And lie down for the last time.
The Taste of Red
I feel the coldness of it running down.
I've done it and I've never been so proud.
I feel it trickle through my fingers.
I bring my hand up to greet my lips.
The taste of death.
The warm red flow.
The pain within
And nobody knows.
Inside my body the words I speak are breaking.
The more I live
The more I die -
Inside.
Maybe I will never see tomorrow.
Maybe all the harm will have effect.
Maybe one day soon they'll see I'm gone.
Maybe death is the only way to prove where I belong.
The wash of youth.
The things they said.
The pains and burns.
I taste the red.
Is This Love?
Sometimes when I wake up
I realise how lucky I am.
I think of you and I hope you know
How much I really care.
I feel like you're mine now
And no one could ever split us up.
You're so sweet,
When we meet
I know you're loving me for me.
We touch and the pain ends.
I've never felt so complete.
