BDD

about.body.dysmorphic.disorder

At one time or another we all worry about our appearance, but when you wake up degrading your nose, hair, chest, WEIGHT, etc. and then continuing to have these thoughts all day, that's when there is a problem. Closely linked to other disorders and psychiatric conditions, Body Dysmorphic Disorder (termed shortly BDD) is a serious disorder that is growing fast. People that suffer from BDD not only dislike some aspect of how they look, they're preoccupied severely with it. Most get to the point where it is very hard to go outside or sit down comfortably, or go to work and talk to others, without thinking the self-degrading thoughts about their flaws. The thoughts soon over take the person's mind and it is all he/she can think about.

I think I might have to come back to this when I'm feeling brave.

Pret A Manger. Euston Rd.

The pendulum swing. A theory of balance.

However crap your life may seem, soon it will swing back the other way.

Is this the truth?

Or is it that the more crap your life gets, the more that average everyday happenings seem great?

Now, my life isn't crap. I happen to enjoy it most of the time. But it's the waiting that we do that I find odd. It's not a case of laziness. Of waiting for the phone to ring. It's that moment where you have nothing to do, so you wait. You put some music on, and you sit, and you wait. Now of course you could put some washing on or clean the bathroom but for now that's not important.

I find these are the moments I miss since giving up smoking. I tend to race full steam ahead. At least when I smoked I gave myself a breather....so to speak.

Am I different? Do I spend more time thinking than the average human? Is this bad or good?

I actually stopped in the middle of Victoria underground station the other day and watched and waited for the person to whom I'd just said goodbye, to come bounding back down the steps and sweep me off my feet. I must watch too many unrealistic romantic films. But are they unrealistic? I know I've felt it.

I think we, the people of London, should slow down. Time moves so quickly here. I'm pretty sure the love of my life could have run past me three times already today without a second glance. Why are we so afraid to look at each other? Why is it deemed strange to make conversation? Why do we then get drunk and surpass all these boundries in a bid for freedom only to blame it on the booze the next morning?

I'll be the first to admit to using alcohol as a release. A chance to dance, a chance to sing on the tube, a chance to be a dirty flirt and kiss the person that your sober pride would not allow.

If only honesty were a living requirement.

People often laugh at my bluntness. They call it 'unladylike'. People have shouted at me for not keeping secrets, but Jesus, the things that could happen if we were all just up front and honest! I don't know how anyone can let a day go past wondering 'what if?'.

What if I'd told him I miss him?

What if I'd just said hello?

What if I'd just kissed him?

A dear late friend and mentor once posed the following question to me -

"What is your life if you have no one to acknowledge it?"

He didn't know. He was a single man (well, in the traditional sense).

This question has played on my mind for years since. And it poses many further questions. Like, what is in my life for me and what is in my life to be looked at and admired by others?

As far as acting goes, screw the west end, screw television. If money were no object I could happily perform in the smallest shittiest fringe theatres for the rest of my life and be happy just to be doing it. No acknowledgment required. Just maybe every now and then a stranger who is moved...

As much as someone can acknowledge your life, they can also judge. I know this. I've been that judge.

Hmm.

So why do we constantly text someone we know we can't have. Just LONGING that maybe they will, I don't know, change their mind? Or come to their senses?

Lesson for life: Never fall in love with someone you ultimately can't have.

Sounds simple enough right?

Wrong.

If only you could pick how you feel and who you feel about. The number of times I have now sat next to my ex and best friend and just LONGED to feel something more than I do. It would be so simple. He loves me, I'd love him. Happily ever after, into the sunset, bla bla bla.

Have you ever felt like you've walked away from the one person who will ever really love you?

It's tough but I guess you know ultimately if you've made the right decision. You can't go on pretending to love someone just because they hold you high. Everyone likes to feel beautiful. But there comes a point where you realise, and you reflect, and it's nothing, it's meaningless. A haze lifts and what once was there becomes pointless, dream like, empty.

I am the terrible case of two extremes. I am the fussiest woman in the world when it comes to men and always know on first glance whether I can or cannot feel for someone. So, most of the time, perfectly wonderful men will pass me by without me giving it the slightest chance. On the other hand, when I see something in someone that I like, well, that's that, head over heels, love lifts us up where we belong, awe-inspiring, cherubs playing harps madness.

The latter tends to be one sided.

I have never cheated. And yet I am so often that horrible "other woman". Isn't that just as bad?

Probably. But in "other woman's" defence. I do not believe we do it without believing that somewhere, somehow, he might leave his so called beloved and praise our beds instead. The minute a man complains about his girlfriend - well! Hello! Full steam ahead. Permission Granted.

3 weeks of hot sex, thrilling conversations and sneaky passionate kisses later....

Reality. Good bye my lover.

The First Post.

My name is Joanna and I am an aspiring actress.

Well right now I'm unemployed.

You see, I have come to the point where I have done everything I can at this moment in time. I went to drama school, I graduated, I worked solidly on three different jobs for six months, and now I'm here. Unemployed. Not knowing what is around the corner. Hmm.

It's tricky, this kind of life. It's tricky to keep your feet on the ground and keep your head in your dreams. Lately I've wondered if I'm losing my belief. I don't think this is entirely possible though as there is literally nothing else in the world that I could do that would make me as happy as creating a role. Except maybe have a family and lord knows that's a little way off.

I find myself in limbo:

New house.

Boyfriend gone.

Jobless.

Poor.

But I'm ok. My belief will come back and until then I will work in cafes for next to no money and audition for short films for no money at all.

Bloody hell. Who'd wanna be an actor?