Tuesday, 9 February 2010

Pret A Manger. Euston Rd.

The pendulum swing. A theory of balance.
However crap your life may seem, soon it will swing back the other way.
Is this the truth?
Or is it that the more crap your life gets, the more that average everyday happenings seem great?

Now, my life isn't crap. I happen to enjoy it most of the time. But it's the waiting that we do that I find odd. It's not a case of laziness. Of waiting for the phone to ring. It's that moment where you have nothing to do, so you wait. You put some music on, and you sit, and you wait. Now of course you could put some washing on or clean the bathroom but for now that's not important.

I find these are the moments I miss since giving up smoking. I tend to race full steam ahead. At least when I smoked I gave myself a breather....so to speak.

Am I different? Do I spend more time thinking than the average human? Is this bad or good?

I actually stopped in the middle of Victoria underground station the other day and watched and waited for the person to whom I'd just said goodbye, to come bounding back down the steps and sweep me off my feet. I must watch too many unrealistic romantic films. But are they unrealistic? I know I've felt it.

I think we, the people of London, should slow down. Time moves so quickly here. I'm pretty sure the love of my life could have run past me three times already today without a second glance. Why are we so afraid to look at each other? Why is it deemed strange to make conversation? Why do we then get drunk and surpass all these boundries in a bid for freedom only to blame it on the booze the next morning?

I'll be the first to admit to using alcohol as a release. A chance to dance, a chance to sing on the tube, a chance to be a dirty flirt and kiss the person that your sober pride would not allow.

If only honesty were a living requirement.

People often laugh at my bluntness. They call it 'unladylike'. People have shouted at me for not keeping secrets, but Jesus, the things that could happen if we were all just up front and honest! I don't know how anyone can let a day go past wondering 'what if?'.

What if I'd told him I miss him?
What if I'd just said hello?
What if I'd just kissed him?

A dear late friend and mentor once posed the following question to me -

"What is your life if you have no one to acknowledge it?"

He didn't know. He was a single man (well, in the traditional sense).

This question has played on my mind for years since. And it poses many further questions. Like, what is in my life for me and what is in my life to be looked at and admired by others?
As far as acting goes, screw the west end, screw television. If money were no object I could happily perform in the smallest shittiest fringe theatres for the rest of my life and be happy just to be doing it. No acknowledgment required. Just maybe every now and then a stranger who is moved...

As much as someone can acknowledge your life, they can also judge. I know this. I've been that judge.


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